All advice coming from someone who used to have many fears. 🫶🏼
When the world seems like it’s all eyes on you, hunting you down, watching your every mistake, and feeding off your every flaw, this is how you’ll gain your confidence.
My personal story:
Just yesterday I was debating whether to do something that I felt would be super embarrassing. A pull up. In front of everyone. During my lunch period, in my high school. The most crowded lunch period.
Rows and rows of wooden tables to my right, other maroon painted cafeteria tables ahead of me and to my left. A long line of muscular guys standing in beside me, waiting for me to do my damn pull-up.
How’d I get here? Just 2 weeks earlier I was on a walk in a park where there was outdoor workout equipment. I went straight to the pull up bar, and as I hung tightly to it, I couldn’t even do ONE. Fast forward two weeks, and I’m about to show everyone at my lunch period that I’m unable to do a pull up, knowingly. I willingly placed myself there knowing I’d fail.
Why did I do this? It’s actually a simple reason: to get over the fear. It seems stupid, being scared to attempt a pull up in front of strangers. But these people expected something from me. They watched me intently as I struggled on that bar. And guess what? I didn’t even make one! However, I was proud. I was proud because for once, I decided to let go of what everyone thought of me and embarrass myself on purpose.
(You’ll think you’re really confident until you decide to do something similar, and quickly realize that this fear is a manifestation of your insecurity.)
So, if you want to learn true confidence, you’ll have to do the following.
1) Work against your fears. You don’t have to lose your fears, you have to work against them. In my example, I was nervous. When I got off the bar, a whole lunch table of girls plus some of my friends were clapping and cheering loudly, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt sick, even though there was absolutely no reason to feel that way. Why? Because no one cares that I didn’t do that pull up.
So, WORK AGAINST YOUR FEAR. You can still be scared while doing what you’re afraid of. But do not avoid what embarrasses you or you’ll never make progress.
2) Quit judging others, and you may find that you don’t care if others judge you. If someone is judging you on something shallow, it most likely reflects an insecurity they have. (Ex: They think you look bad because of acne; they probably had acne at some point and felt insecure at that time).
Uplift and compliment others and you will feel fine without external validation, because once you share kindness, you’re rewarding yourself too.
3) Use the ARR method (acknowledge, reflect, replace) when you have intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts play a big factor in our confidence levels, so when you find yourself thinking negatively, acknowledge and reflect on the thought, and then replace it.
Here’s what that looks like: You’re thinking, “I look horrible today.” Acknowledge the thought, don’t just shoo it away. Then, ask yourself why you feel that way. Maybe it’s because you are comparing yourself to the people around you. Maybe it’s because you didn’t do any makeup. Maybe it’s because your beard isn’t trimmed, or your clothes aren’t steamed.
Then, remind yourself that what you think becomes your reality. Think, “That person dressed well today. However, I cannot change how I’m dressed right now. I accept that some days I won’t be dressed similarly to my peers, but (here comes the replacement) I am still beautiful/handsome, and I will be confident in what I’m wearing. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
This will help you think positively and address the negative thought from its root.
4) Self-Care. This tip is so simple. All it requires in putting in effort to become a better and healthier person. This can mean taking a bath, reading a book, working out, resting for an extra hour, etc. When you prioritize your mind and body, you will become naturally more confident (because you care about yourself). See my post here on wellbeing: Selfish GOOD: Why Being Selfish Needs to be Normalized – Nicole’s Everything Blog (nicoleseverything.com)
5) Forgiveness and owning up to your mistakes. What is more ego-damaging than admitting you’ve made a mistake? Admitting to your mistakes is step one to becoming more comfortable with yourself and your faults. Forgiving yourself is the second step, in which you understand that making mistakes is human, and decide to move one while taking a lesson from your mistake.
Earlier this month I apologized to someone who’s feelings I briefly hurt in fifth grade. This was almost 5 years ago, and though it seems silly to bring something up that happened half a decade ago, it is not for me to decide whether I briefly hurt them or not. That is because I am not them, and I don’t know how they felt. And so I apologized, for saying that their Halloween costume looked funny. Though this seems so insignificant, it’s important to own up to your mistakes, even years later.
Acknowledgment of one’s flaws is humbling and allows the person to learn and grow.
After apologizing I forgave myself because I understood that I was once a ten-year-old who made a mistake, thought it was funny, and grew to understand that what’s amusing to someone may come at another person’s expense.
Once you forgive yourself you will feel liberated, and better at the soul-level. Showing yourself that kindness makes confidence much easier to obtain, and you’ll soon realize that other’s opinions of you don’t matter because you know that you’ve addressed your faults and accepted them or corrected them. Therefore, no one can attack what you have internally solved.
In essence…
Confidence can easily be built if you challenge yourself to work towards it. Following these 5 steps can help bring you there! All it takes is showing up for yourself and practicing things that help you love yourself more and become more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Good luck on your confidence journey, and I hope you enjoyed this read! <3
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