Hello friends, and welcome to the first TMT in what feels like ages! It’s a Two-Minute Thursday, not Tuesday, but it’ll have to do because I feel it’s important for me to share something that has been on my mind recently.
Don’t forget to share your opinion in the comments section as well!
Let’s begin!
Why do we stay in relationships that are hurting us?
It’s so easy to choose familiarity. It’s difficult to leave it. It’s hard to fathom that the work we’ve dedicated to a relationship (including familial ones and friendships) goes to “waste” after we step away.
There are many conflicting emotions when we leave someone to help ourselves. Sometimes, we may feel selfish or guilty. Sometimes, we may fear what the future will be like without that person.
Comfort plays a huge role in remaining in unhealthy relationships. An unhealthy relationship isn’t always extreme. It doesn’t need to be abusive to be harmful. If someone oversteps your boundaries or isn’t compatible with you, that’s unhealthy.
A little anecdote for context…
As someone who has made excuses to keep people in my life because of the time we had spent together or our plans for the future, I’ve found it so much more liberating to let people who don’t add value to my life go. I’m tired of the one-sided transactional relationships I’ve been dragged into, and it is much easier to pour the energy I give to others into my own passions.
Recently, I realized I could just let go. I think most of us know this, but we don’t act on it.
After listening to It’s Called: Freefall a hundred times last week, it really hit me. It made more sense. Leaving is okay, leaving is great. If leaving a relationship makes you happy, makes you healthier, it is justifiable.
I’ve thought through things as many times as I could, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not need to break my back for others. Saying no is healthy. If people do not respect that, if they don’t want to provide space, if they adopt my personality because they lack guidance, if they expect me to take on a motherly role, expect me to provide them with homework, expect to ask for everything and never contribute to the friendship, I can step back. I can step back without guilt.
It is not okay if someone curses at you for not helping them cheat on a test. It’s not okay if someone treats you poorly because of your gender. It is not okay to allow people to use and drain you without reciprocating any form of kindness. It’s not okay for someone to manipulate you by making false promises to keep you hoping for the future. “I can’t wait to get you Christmas gifts,” HAS BEEN USED to try to keep me in a friendship. A similar technique was used before my birthday by my “friend”, who frankly, canceled the day of. They then asked me a few months later what I’d buy them for their birthday. (What selfish behavior!) Another false promise was made to me before homecoming, which, of course, never happened. This technique was also used on Black Friday… “I’m going to get you a gift whether you like it or not.” I don’t want gifts. YOU shouldn’t want gifts. Don’t allow people to trap you in a relationship through these manipulative methods. It’s a lie. The false promises paint great images in the moment, and the manipulator will hope you’ve forgotten about their promises a week later.
For your own benefit, always reevaluate your relationships. They can seem healthy, but they may not be. You may also think you’re happy when you’re not. As someone who is happy when helping others, I have tricked myself into thinking that my extensive efforts to make everyone’s life around me easier make me happy. This is not true. I love assisting others, but I don’t appreciate demands, as well as the constant taking without contributing. It all comes down to boundaries, and after knowing about them for so long, I have finally set them with everyone I could think of.
Time to act
It is time you refuse toxicity in your life. If I took back all the hours I’ve spent dedicating myself to being an exemplary friend to the wrong people, I would gain months of my life back. I do not regret it, because the best lessons are learned through mistakes, however, I hope that I could guide you to avoiding relationships that hurt you. Your health matters.
Leave a Reply